After The Breakup: 1

2/1/16

There definitely has got to be a better word for this than “heartbreak”. It’s not my heart that’s broken. In fact, with the ferocity and tenaciousness with which it’s pumping, I’d say it’s, adversely, working better now than ever before.

Maybe “stomach-broken” would be more appropriate. Certainly not as Fitzgerald but definitely more of a literal depiction of what’s happening. Because stomachs, when empty, are supposed to get hungry. They are supposed to send signals to the brain, notify it of it’s empty state, and get the brain to signal to body to do something about it. So, though I haven’t eaten a bite of food in what’s now been 37 consecutive hours, and my brain is seemingly unconcerned with the empty status of my stomach, I must be stomachbroken….

But no, my brain is just a little too preoccupied at the moment to think of something as absolutely trivial is eating.

Another totally Amelia Bedilia way to put it could perhaps be “temporal-lobe-broken”, as for some reason right now the memory feature of my brain is completely in overdrive. I can’t remember the last time I was able to recall this many memories at one time, or the inability to control their playing in my mind like a live-action play. The first time we kissed, the last time we spoke, and every painful thing in between. Jesus Christ I did not know memories could hurt this badly.

But memories can hurt and your stomach can endure days without food and your body can essentially shut down while your mind works in overdrive. And that’s sort of a peak at what heart-break can feel like.

Clichéd as it is it’s raining right now. Not the super dramatic kind either, which I think is sort of rude, but adding insult to injury has been today’s theme as I woke up from my 2 hours of REM sleep to my period and not a single apology text on my phone.

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photo via @thehoneytruffle

Oh you already told your whole fraternity? And oh, look! Another welcome reminder that what we had was completely fleeting. Just kidding, I don’t want a child and certainly not with my now ex. Typing that word kind of murdered me.

I proceed. So the rain, I can’t see it falling but can see that it’s there because everything is wet, people are sloshing all around, and every-car driving by splashes up at me, almost insultingly. I’m taking this as a sign- and not even a super metaphorical one at that. To me, this rain means, “hey, even though you can’t fucking see it, it’s still shitty, and it’s still present”.

I can’t say that I didn’t see our break-up coming, but I pretty much never saw our breakup coming. Anyone who had the true pleasure of knowing us knew that above all else, we were madly in love. Check that past participle though. I told him I loved him after six days and meant it, and feel it just as much if not more now than I did that night.

To say we had a whirlwind romance would be evidence that I’m clearly experiencing writer’s block. I’ve always been such a better writer when single, and with three years of writing pointless, feelingless, BDJ bullshit, you can say I’m a little rusty. Why does pain always get the creative juices flowing? Anyway, we were so in love. About as in love as any two 19-year-old fucking kids could be. Blonde haired, blue eyed lives of the party. We met, had one dinner, and immediately let ourselves fall shamelessly in love.

At this point, the band-aid hasn’t yet been fully ripped off. As much as I want to and will delve into details and probe with prose, I am legitimately not that strong as of yet. What I can say, is that the last thing I ever expected to happen, anyone ever expected to happen, happened.

The person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, the person I’ve loved most removed himself from my life, and me from his.

Distance, difference, the reasons are varied and more than that, irrelevant. He and I aren’t together anymore and though I naively thought it’d be death that did us part, we’re alive and well, just not with each other.

I’ve spent the past 24 hours so sad, so hurt, so devastated and most of all so, so so in the mind set that this might as well be the end. But for the first time since he walked away for good I feel like it’s just the beginning.

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