The day after my breakup I went into work. With no food in my system, no coffee, no makeup on, and absolutely no sense of motivation, I scurried in, sat down at my desk and attempted normalcy. I was completely choked up, but if I didn’t open my mouth to speak I was fine. After about 3 full minutes of me sitting silently, (which is a more than rare occurrence) a co-worker sitting in my office asked me a question. Without the ability to not, I erupted into sobs and explained what had happened the night before. As shocked as I was, my coworkers were extremely supportive. Hugs, tissues, chocolates, the works. Finally, at about 1 p.m., my boss walked into the Social Room to see a crying me, still silently sniffling away, rather relentlessly for someone running completely on empty.
“Go home”, she said. I could see the empathy practically seeping out of her pores, so I quickly thanked her, packed up my computer and headed out.
When I got back to my apartment I paced around for about 30 minutes. It was the end of January, so I was completely confused by being home by before dark, and I couldn’t seem to do anything but pace and cry. Finally, I logged onto my work laptop and hoped for a flurry of emails to distract me from the rawness of heartbreak.
I had a few emails, but what distracted me most was an IM that came in from my boss. We IM’d back and forth for awhile about breakups. The pain, how it’s normal, how to get through it, etc. Finally, she said it could be a good idea to set a date in the future that, no matter what, I’d have to be “over it” by.
“I’ll never get over this”, I thought as I complied with her advice.
She said to set a date in May, which, at the time of my breakup was over 4 months away, and to put a meeting on our calendars for that date as the “over it” date.
Though I didn’t think this was effective or realistic, going through the motion of setting up that meeting, and seeing it live on my calendar was somewhat soothing. I thought about that meeting that night before getting about 3.5 hours of quality sleep.
After setting the meeting I didn’t think about it much. I was a mess most of February and had periods of sadness in March. I never thought about being over it, or getting over it.. At least not as a tangible thing.
This calendar meeting, however, was a tangible thing. That’s why, today, when the alert popped up on my laptop that I had a meeting in 15 minutes sited “over It”, I felt the most touchable, tastable, digestible satisfaction I’ve felt almost ever.
Seeing the alert made me realize that, despite still feeling nostalgic, sad, confused and longing at times, in the truest sense I actually am “over it”.
One might think that seeing a meeting notification can’t possibly end the suffering that is being heartbroken over someone. It doesn’t make any sense! To simply read two small words and say, “yup, well, guess I’m over it”. But that’s just how it happened today.
It wasn’t reading the calendar meeting that made me realize I was over it- it was thinking back to the devastated, hopeless person who created the invite that made me realize I was.
How far I’ve come from that moment is enough to cause whatever “getting over it” is left to do and then some.
Heartbreak happens slowly, almost in waves. It hits you at first, of course, but over the course of the couple of months following it sort of has a pace of its own. Gnawing at you some days, and then leaving you for weeks at a time only to return with vengeance.
Getting over someone, however, is just the opposite. As it happened today, it happens all at once, quickly and efficiently. Sure, you may have a calendar invite that acts as a catalyst, but I’m sure even without that meeting today I would realize soon that I am actually, happily, over it.
Sure, it helps that I’ve been dating, having an incredibly amazing time in NY, and actually living my life according to myself and only myself, but the truest cause for healing is growing.
They say that time heals all wounds, and maybe time and growth can sort of be interchangeable in this sense. Growing out of the person you were when you were in love with someone, stepping out of that skin and into a new one, is something I didn’t actively see happening, but now completely realize is something that did.
So, in short, I’d like to stop writing and enjoy some wine because I had a very, very good meeting today that I’d like to celebrate.